1. Yesterday was step one of a personal initiation.
An hour before my class began, my body was flooded by feelings of crippling stage fright and imposter syndrome, even though I've taught this material hundreds of times.
I had three choices:
Disassociate and do the class aka teach authenticity from a place of inauthenticity,
Cancel the class,
Use the emotion to fuel my class; alchemy
I've come to a place where the cost hiding myself is too high, so I ran to the stain-glass chapel on the mountainside, and used one of the most effective alchemizing practices I know:
Like an actor impersonates a character, I embodied the emotion that clearly needed to express. I chose to let that panicked character exist. I spoke the words it needed to speak, 'I can't, I can't do this, don't make me do this'. I instinctively let my body take on a protective stance; standing facing the wall and rounding my shoulders forward. I felt the panic that my mind was wiped of all my material for class. As the class drew closer, I knew that I was incapable of 'performing' at that point. My only option was to pray to Spirit to speak through me because 'I' was essentially incapacitated. Who's the me who was incapacitated? Who's the me who trusted Spirit in front of a live class? I am the Alchemist who transforms fear into love. Instead of being the overwhelmed parent saying, 'I don't know what to do, he won't stop crying!', I can embody that inner child and speak out the words she needed to say. It's humble work to process dense emotions, but it's worth it when you see all the jewels from the alchemical process.
This initiation has taught me about the essence of art. I've been saying, Art is Aligning Radically to Truth. Some of us don't feel like what we have to say matters. What a painful experience if we're honest. I spent years feeling unaccepted and insignificant, and wanting to hthose parts of myself from my art. Some of my art looked beautiful to the outsider but I knew a lot of it wasn't my fullest exprs. Meanwhile I was envious of people who were magnetic, brave, playful, speaking and creating freely. I made a list of the people I was jealous of and they all had the quality of radical honest expression. I wondered, how do they do that!? I couldn't imagine truly accepting myself.
2. Step two: A big realization today about ego.
I returned to the same somatic practice today because of a vulnerability hangover from expressing so freely yesterday. The character said, 'I effed up, I didn't do a good job, it wasn't perfect...' After that character felt heard, I embodied the 'character' of Spirit. I went from fetal position to sitting up straight with shoulders relaxed. Spirit was neutral about the class, and saw my failure character through the eyes of Love. To Spirit, It wasn't success or failure. That neutrality gave me a realization.
I've been demonizing the ego. But ego is actually just repressed pain that hasn't been alchemized to love yet. Ego stands for Edging God Out. Instead of demonizing, suppressing, starving, fearing and hating the ego, what if I simply see it as unloved, repressed, lower frequency energy in me? What if consciously embodying it, and allowing it to exist transforms it into a higher frequency energy? What if every crunchy, challenging emotion paves the path to freedom of expression?
What if Frida allowed her pain to prevent her from picking up a brush and didn't turn pain into paint. What if Beethoven's hearing loss led to inadequacy which prevented him from playing the piano? Both used their emotions as fuel to create duende. Duende is a Spanish word for the heightened emotional state when expression is so real, magnetic, ineffable and authentic. Have you experienced tears or goosebumps when a ballerina fully embodies a tender emotion, or when a musician leaves it all on the stage? Have you gasped at a painting you've longed to see, or felt butterflies when someone embodies their longing for you?
Full authentic expression asks us not to dissociate from our full spectrum emotions, but to use them to pave our life's work.
In my life, this message feels urgent. Like in Beauty and the Beast, we have the expressed, 'beautiful side' and the repressed side that hides in the west wing of the house and growls at anyone who comes near. I see the way fear sweeps through the masses in people who are afraid of their own repressed emotions. I'm sure you know friends and family like this. They are sitting ducks for their fear to take them over and forget the truth of who they Are. It's humble work to process dense energy, but then we become wealthy from mining all the value gems. Let's give our repressed emotions a new purpose, to allow Spirit to flow through our channel.
I am calling in students who choose healing through feeling. If that's you, I'm ready to guide you to see the art that flows through your unique channel, and guide you to the medium, and the pace your inner artist truly longs for. alchemizing your fear into love, and claiming your sovereign channel. That is the world I want to live in-where fear is transmuted into Love within each and every one of us, starting with me and you.
Below is a chart of the frequency of emotions. Let's be honest with where powerful emotions like shame and guilt live in our life, and alchemize them into powerful higher frequency emotions. Let's transform our lives, and the lives of our loved ones and the greater sentient family. Believe it or not, our inner artist is the great alchemizer. I see this as our true purpose.
If you currently see yourself through the eyes of judgement: inadequate, inconsequential, meek, and discouraged, I know that state well. It is also not the truth of you, you are the vessel who houses those emotions. We start where you are and use tools of alchemy to fully recognize yourself aligned with LOVE.